I've made a decision.

Found out today that I will probably be getting fired late this week or early next. It's my own fault. No one else to blame. And if I do get fired, I am done. I don't even have the energy to be worried. Just done. So, if I get fired, will probably just kill myself. Best thing for everyone. I'm not worth anything any way. Just don't even care.

I don't even know any more.

Just having one of those days. Got to listen to the coworkers around me complain all day and constantly ask for help. From me...the one they got promoted over. Just listening to them bitch and moan about how rough they have it, not being able to eat out for lunch and dinner. I know it's just jealously on my part, but I'm just sick of them. I hate my job but there's nothing else around here any way.

And then family. Sigh. I know they love me, I really do. It just feels like no matter what I do, I always disappoint. I know I base too many of my feelings on what other people think, but I can't help it. I just never feel like I'm a part of anything. Every time I try, I just get looks of disdain.

I'm so tired of waking up every morning and the first thought I have is "FUCK, I woke up." I'd truly love to go to bed tonight and just not wake up. That would solve all my problems. Blink, light's out. No more crap life, no more crap feelings, no more crap existence. But it won't happen, I'm not that lucky.

Welcome...or not.

Hello, and welcome...sort of. A couple warnings, I will mostly be using this space to vent, so it will probably come across as whiny, if you don't like that, that's your problem. I am not going to be pulling any punches or sugar coating anything here, so if you are easily upset, walk away. As may soon be clear, I am not a writer in any way. I have a lot of problems expressing how I feel and think.

I am having a lot of issues in my life now, probably the most serious of which is a pretty persistent desire to go to bed and never wake up. Or another painless way of killing myself. Pretty drastic, but hey, that's the way it is. A lot of why I feel like that is just tiredness. I am so tired. Tired of being stuck at home, tired of never getting to see all the amazing people I've met online. Tired of having everything in my life turn to shit. Tired of working my ass off and still being broke. Tired of being a useless, pointless nobody.

Part of me is trying to think of the future, to try to get away from where I am now, both in my life and in a more residential sense. I want to move away so badly, but before I can do that, I need to take care of all my responsibilities, loans and such. I realize that compared to most, I am in great shape, I don't have a huge amount of debt, but what I have eats at me. I'm constantly on the edge of having my power turned off, my water gets turned off every couple months until I can scrounge enough to pay the bill. I don't have a car any more and am relying on some very nice people just to get to work and back. I hate this. I hate mooching off people. I hate owing people. I hate having to ask for help. I hate feeling like such a failure.

I said part of me. The other part is just done. Why bother? I know I have family and friends that would be very upset if I killed myself, and I keep telling myself that. But, more and more often, that just doesn't seem to be that good of a reason. Selfish, I know. I don't want to hurt any one, but it just seems to me that everyone would be so much better off with out me around.

I don't know. I don't have any answers. I don't expect many, if any to read this. But I am hoping it that at least posting this where it could be read will help me, if only in getting it off my chest. So, like I said, welcome, I fully understand if you don't want to hang around.