So I am off work today and I find myself looking for effective, painless ways to commit suicide. I have not found a way yet. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I am so tired, mentally. Tired of faking being happy, tired of acting like every thing is okay. It's not.
I don't even know what to say. I'm not sure if I want people to read this or not. I don't want people to feel bad about me or for me or any of that. I am so alone. I talk to people all the time online but that doesn't seem to help. I only know once where some one has invited ME to interact. It's always me having to ask. I'm tired of asking. How fucking useless am I to where no one wants to be around me? Thinking about this makes me sick to my stomach.
Hopefully I don't have to deal with any of this for much longer.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Welcome...or not.
Hello, and welcome...sort of. A couple warnings, I will mostly be using this space to vent, so it will probably come across as whiny, if you don't like that, that's your problem. I am not going to be pulling any punches or sugar coating anything here, so if you are easily upset, walk away. As may soon be clear, I am not a writer in any way. I have a lot of problems expressing how I feel and think.
I am having a lot of issues in my life now, probably the most serious of which is a pretty persistent desire to go to bed and never wake up. Or another painless way of killing myself. Pretty drastic, but hey, that's the way it is. A lot of why I feel like that is just tiredness. I am so tired. Tired of being stuck at home, tired of never getting to see all the amazing people I've met online. Tired of having everything in my life turn to shit. Tired of working my ass off and still being broke. Tired of being a useless, pointless nobody.
Part of me is trying to think of the future, to try to get away from where I am now, both in my life and in a more residential sense. I want to move away so badly, but before I can do that, I need to take care of all my responsibilities, loans and such. I realize that compared to most, I am in great shape, I don't have a huge amount of debt, but what I have eats at me. I'm constantly on the edge of having my power turned off, my water gets turned off every couple months until I can scrounge enough to pay the bill. I don't have a car any more and am relying on some very nice people just to get to work and back. I hate this. I hate mooching off people. I hate owing people. I hate having to ask for help. I hate feeling like such a failure.
I said part of me. The other part is just done. Why bother? I know I have family and friends that would be very upset if I killed myself, and I keep telling myself that. But, more and more often, that just doesn't seem to be that good of a reason. Selfish, I know. I don't want to hurt any one, but it just seems to me that everyone would be so much better off with out me around.
I don't know. I don't have any answers. I don't expect many, if any to read this. But I am hoping it that at least posting this where it could be read will help me, if only in getting it off my chest. So, like I said, welcome, I fully understand if you don't want to hang around.
I am having a lot of issues in my life now, probably the most serious of which is a pretty persistent desire to go to bed and never wake up. Or another painless way of killing myself. Pretty drastic, but hey, that's the way it is. A lot of why I feel like that is just tiredness. I am so tired. Tired of being stuck at home, tired of never getting to see all the amazing people I've met online. Tired of having everything in my life turn to shit. Tired of working my ass off and still being broke. Tired of being a useless, pointless nobody.
Part of me is trying to think of the future, to try to get away from where I am now, both in my life and in a more residential sense. I want to move away so badly, but before I can do that, I need to take care of all my responsibilities, loans and such. I realize that compared to most, I am in great shape, I don't have a huge amount of debt, but what I have eats at me. I'm constantly on the edge of having my power turned off, my water gets turned off every couple months until I can scrounge enough to pay the bill. I don't have a car any more and am relying on some very nice people just to get to work and back. I hate this. I hate mooching off people. I hate owing people. I hate having to ask for help. I hate feeling like such a failure.
I said part of me. The other part is just done. Why bother? I know I have family and friends that would be very upset if I killed myself, and I keep telling myself that. But, more and more often, that just doesn't seem to be that good of a reason. Selfish, I know. I don't want to hurt any one, but it just seems to me that everyone would be so much better off with out me around.
I don't know. I don't have any answers. I don't expect many, if any to read this. But I am hoping it that at least posting this where it could be read will help me, if only in getting it off my chest. So, like I said, welcome, I fully understand if you don't want to hang around.
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