I've made a decision.

Found out today that I will probably be getting fired late this week or early next. It's my own fault. No one else to blame. And if I do get fired, I am done. I don't even have the energy to be worried. Just done. So, if I get fired, will probably just kill myself. Best thing for everyone. I'm not worth anything any way. Just don't even care.

So I walked into traffic today...

Today hasn't been the best day. Got picked up (still don't have a car or license, another point I'm a failure on) by my ride at the normal time, but had to wait for an hour and a half while she went to the dentist because I couldn't find any one else to bring me to work. Oh, and still have a cold and still feel like crap.  Get to work and I'm hotter than Hades but 10 minutes later I'm freezing. Have a unit meeting, great time I don't have to feel panicked about getting enough done...until my supervisor congratulates all of the people in my current position at work on getting promoted...except for me. Yeah, that makes me feel all warm and welcome. And then my ride has to stay late, but I don't find out until after I've clocked out. So I have to sit around for another hour.

So I finally get home, but wait, I have to run to the post office for a check...that didn't arrive and then to the store to spend my last $3 in change to get some juice because I really haven't eaten for 3 days now and thought the juice might make me less dizzy. So I'm walking home, not a long walk, but it's cold and I have my hood up, not really even thinking, just running on autopilot. Which apparently sucks as I walk right out in front of a moving car. The driver stopped and I apologized, hurrying to get out of the way. I'm still trying to decide if not getting hit was good or bad luck. Today, I don't know.

Happy Holidays...yeah right

I'm beginning to hate this time of year. It's about family and being together...but it never feels that way. When I finally do get together with my family, I always feel some how apart. Like everything is going on with out me. Getting talked over like I'm not even there. I also miss my mom around this time of year. I don't know, just always seemed like she'd listen...even when she didn't want to talk. It doesn't feel like it's been six years now. Some time it hurts just like it was yesterday. Like it hurts now.

I don't even know any more.

Just having one of those days. Got to listen to the coworkers around me complain all day and constantly ask for help. From me...the one they got promoted over. Just listening to them bitch and moan about how rough they have it, not being able to eat out for lunch and dinner. I know it's just jealously on my part, but I'm just sick of them. I hate my job but there's nothing else around here any way.

And then family. Sigh. I know they love me, I really do. It just feels like no matter what I do, I always disappoint. I know I base too many of my feelings on what other people think, but I can't help it. I just never feel like I'm a part of anything. Every time I try, I just get looks of disdain.

I'm so tired of waking up every morning and the first thought I have is "FUCK, I woke up." I'd truly love to go to bed tonight and just not wake up. That would solve all my problems. Blink, light's out. No more crap life, no more crap feelings, no more crap existence. But it won't happen, I'm not that lucky.

Another weekend, another time to me to sit here and think about how much I truly dislike my life. This weekend is made even better by the fact that my power will be disconnected once the weekend is over. Hopefully just for 2-3 days, but still going to be interesting. I shouldn't expect any different.

The worry is making me sick again. And the depression isn't helping. I have no energy, no will, no drive to do anything. I just want it all to be over.

I have a 3 month supply of my blood pressure meds. Every day I stare at those bottles. I just don't want it to hurt. I don't want to hurt any more.

Decisions...

So I am off work today and I find myself looking for effective, painless ways to commit suicide. I have not found a way yet. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I am so tired, mentally. Tired of faking being happy, tired of acting like every thing is okay. It's not.

I don't even know what to say. I'm not sure if I want people to read this or not. I don't want people to feel bad about me or for me or any of that. I am so alone. I talk to people all the time online but that doesn't seem to help. I only know once where some one has invited ME to interact. It's always me having to ask. I'm  tired of asking. How fucking useless am I to where no one wants to be around me? Thinking about this makes me sick to my stomach.

Hopefully I don't have to deal with any of this for much longer.

Welcome...or not.

Hello, and welcome...sort of. A couple warnings, I will mostly be using this space to vent, so it will probably come across as whiny, if you don't like that, that's your problem. I am not going to be pulling any punches or sugar coating anything here, so if you are easily upset, walk away. As may soon be clear, I am not a writer in any way. I have a lot of problems expressing how I feel and think.

I am having a lot of issues in my life now, probably the most serious of which is a pretty persistent desire to go to bed and never wake up. Or another painless way of killing myself. Pretty drastic, but hey, that's the way it is. A lot of why I feel like that is just tiredness. I am so tired. Tired of being stuck at home, tired of never getting to see all the amazing people I've met online. Tired of having everything in my life turn to shit. Tired of working my ass off and still being broke. Tired of being a useless, pointless nobody.

Part of me is trying to think of the future, to try to get away from where I am now, both in my life and in a more residential sense. I want to move away so badly, but before I can do that, I need to take care of all my responsibilities, loans and such. I realize that compared to most, I am in great shape, I don't have a huge amount of debt, but what I have eats at me. I'm constantly on the edge of having my power turned off, my water gets turned off every couple months until I can scrounge enough to pay the bill. I don't have a car any more and am relying on some very nice people just to get to work and back. I hate this. I hate mooching off people. I hate owing people. I hate having to ask for help. I hate feeling like such a failure.

I said part of me. The other part is just done. Why bother? I know I have family and friends that would be very upset if I killed myself, and I keep telling myself that. But, more and more often, that just doesn't seem to be that good of a reason. Selfish, I know. I don't want to hurt any one, but it just seems to me that everyone would be so much better off with out me around.

I don't know. I don't have any answers. I don't expect many, if any to read this. But I am hoping it that at least posting this where it could be read will help me, if only in getting it off my chest. So, like I said, welcome, I fully understand if you don't want to hang around.