I've made a decision.

Found out today that I will probably be getting fired late this week or early next. It's my own fault. No one else to blame. And if I do get fired, I am done. I don't even have the energy to be worried. Just done. So, if I get fired, will probably just kill myself. Best thing for everyone. I'm not worth anything any way. Just don't even care.

So I walked into traffic today...

Today hasn't been the best day. Got picked up (still don't have a car or license, another point I'm a failure on) by my ride at the normal time, but had to wait for an hour and a half while she went to the dentist because I couldn't find any one else to bring me to work. Oh, and still have a cold and still feel like crap.  Get to work and I'm hotter than Hades but 10 minutes later I'm freezing. Have a unit meeting, great time I don't have to feel panicked about getting enough done...until my supervisor congratulates all of the people in my current position at work on getting promoted...except for me. Yeah, that makes me feel all warm and welcome. And then my ride has to stay late, but I don't find out until after I've clocked out. So I have to sit around for another hour.

So I finally get home, but wait, I have to run to the post office for a check...that didn't arrive and then to the store to spend my last $3 in change to get some juice because I really haven't eaten for 3 days now and thought the juice might make me less dizzy. So I'm walking home, not a long walk, but it's cold and I have my hood up, not really even thinking, just running on autopilot. Which apparently sucks as I walk right out in front of a moving car. The driver stopped and I apologized, hurrying to get out of the way. I'm still trying to decide if not getting hit was good or bad luck. Today, I don't know.

Happy Holidays...yeah right

I'm beginning to hate this time of year. It's about family and being together...but it never feels that way. When I finally do get together with my family, I always feel some how apart. Like everything is going on with out me. Getting talked over like I'm not even there. I also miss my mom around this time of year. I don't know, just always seemed like she'd listen...even when she didn't want to talk. It doesn't feel like it's been six years now. Some time it hurts just like it was yesterday. Like it hurts now.

I don't even know any more.

Just having one of those days. Got to listen to the coworkers around me complain all day and constantly ask for help. From me...the one they got promoted over. Just listening to them bitch and moan about how rough they have it, not being able to eat out for lunch and dinner. I know it's just jealously on my part, but I'm just sick of them. I hate my job but there's nothing else around here any way.

And then family. Sigh. I know they love me, I really do. It just feels like no matter what I do, I always disappoint. I know I base too many of my feelings on what other people think, but I can't help it. I just never feel like I'm a part of anything. Every time I try, I just get looks of disdain.

I'm so tired of waking up every morning and the first thought I have is "FUCK, I woke up." I'd truly love to go to bed tonight and just not wake up. That would solve all my problems. Blink, light's out. No more crap life, no more crap feelings, no more crap existence. But it won't happen, I'm not that lucky.